


you're everything i know

by biggayhighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: (almost a) break up, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23311435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggayhighway/pseuds/biggayhighway
Summary: cheeky coda fic for the episode on 24/03/20
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 9
Kudos: 127





	you're everything i know

**Author's Note:**

> heart hurts so just wrote this at 3am
> 
> enjoy
> 
> title from Orla Gartland's 'Did it to Myself.'

Callum doesn't let go.

He can't let go, not when Ben is grabbing on to the lapels of his coat and sobbing into his neck like it's the only thing he can bring himself to do. Ben's knees are buckling and his hands are shaking, and even if Callum was so sure he wanted this all to end, he knows he wouldn't be able to bring himself to let go.

Instead, he pulls Ben closer, breathes into Ben's hair and tries not to cry any more tears. His efforts prove unsuccessful.

It's somewhat of a weight off his shoulders to have every single thing he's thought over the past couple of weeks, every snarky remark he wishes he could have said in response to Ben's standoffish behaviour up in the air. He doesn't know how much of it Ben would have gotten; he knows Ben needs people to speak slowly, and at a standard volume to understand them, as much as Ben argues the opposite. But at least Callum isn't hiding anything anymore, because if he isn't telling the truth, and Ben isn't telling the truth, then what's the point?

He shushes Ben gently, even though he knows Ben can't hear him. He hopes he feels it.

"I'm sorry, Cal. I'm so sorry," Ben rasps. "So sorry."

It's pure, unfiltered relief that rushes through Ben. When he'd felt that hand in his hair when he had just been waiting, eyes screwed shut to feel the slam of the back door, only to have Callum pull him close. He hasn't lost him, not yet, so he apologises, because that's all he can do.

They're both shaking, just holding on to each other wherever they can, because Ben doesn't ever want to lose Callum, and as much shit they have to sort out now, Callum doesn't want to lose him either.

"Please," Ben sobs, throat raw and breaths raspy. "Please don't leave me."

Callum shuts his eyes and lets the tears roll down his eyes. This is the most open, the most afraid version of his boyfriend that he's ever seen. This Ben is panic-ridden, desperate, clutching at whatever he can reach so that his world doesn't fall apart _again_. Callum knows the last thing he needs right now is his support falling through, because as much as Ben likes to ignore Callum's texts and links to sign language courses, as much as he pretends he doesn't need help, Callum knows what Ben knows he can't do this on his own. Doing this- coping- on his own leads to lonely drinking in the Albert and getting arrested for nicking cars. He's not coping, and they both know that.

Ben pulls away, fingers still pressing into Callum's coat as if when he loosens his grip Callum will just disappear. He leans back into the kitchen counter for support. When Callum looks at his face, red and puffy from crying, expression moulded to one of pure pain, he realises he's left Ben's plea unanswered.

"Please, Cal. You can't- I don't have- please."

"I'm staying," Callum speaks clearly, hands on the sides of Ben's head, cradling him gently. His thumbs brush the tears from Ben's waterline so that he can read his lips. "I ain't leavin'."

Ben cries out again, head falling to hang heavy between his shoulders. Callum pulls him close again, feeling Ben's entire body shake with his sobs. It's so unusual to him, and he can't help but cry with Ben at the pain they're both feeling.

One of Ben's hands lets go of Callum to press persistently over his ear. Callum notices, and pulls it away carefully, before covering both of Ben's ears with both of his hands instead. Ben's forehead presses into the space just below his shoulder.

Callum remembers Ben telling him about the shouting. About how Stuart had had a go at him, and the ringing afterwards had been enough to bring him to tears. Callum scolds himself for forgetting. All he wants to do, all he's ever wanted to do is protect Ben. All he's ever wanted is Ben safe, content, and out of harm's way. He knows now that giving up on _them_ , leaving Ben instead of fighting just that little bit harder, he doesn't need that now. The threat of Callum leaving him seems to have done it, even if that wasn't Callum's initial intent, but now there's a crack in Ben's facade. Callum isn't going to take it anymore and Ben knows that now. It's sunk in.

"I'll change, I promise you, I will. I will," Ben murmurs, unmoving. Callum's fingers stroke the back of Ben's head, or at least the areas he can reach without moving his palms.

It's a promise he's heard before, sometimes not even to him, and it's a promise Ben has done nothing but break. For some reason, seeing Ben like this, he believes it this time.

"Did Jack bring him back?"

"Yeah, Kathy, he did. We're at Phil's."

"And the bloke dropped all the charges?" She asks.

"Yeah," Callum sighs, running his free hand through Ben's hair. The other presses his phone to his ear.

Ben's head remains pressed against Callum's shoulder. One arm is wrapped around Callum's waist, desperately reluctant to let him go. He feels like they're stood at the edge of a cliff, and if Callum moves back or lets go of him, Ben will lose his balance and fall.

They've moved to the living room, and Callum is sat on the floor, back against the sofa, and his knees are pulled up ever so slightly, coffee table pushed out of the way just a little. Ben sits against Callum's hips, other hand smoothing over Callum's chest.

It had been a little awkward, what with Ben so reluctant to hurt Callum any more that he knows he has done already, and Callum sometimes gets the odd jolt of pain from his time at the warehouse, but eventually they work it out, Ben's legs crossed behind Callum's back. He's decidedly never taking Callum for granted again.

"Well, that's good. You tell him that if he tries anything else I'm not ringing Jack to try and get him out of it."

Callum lets a small smile pull at his lips. Kathy has a jokey tone on, which she always has with Callum, but he knows there's an element of seriousness to her comment.

"I wouldn't worry," Callum speaks softly. He glances down to see that Ben has his eyes shut. "I don't think he'll be doing anything like that again."

"You're a miracle worker if you're right," Kathy chirps. Callum grins.

"You've just got to know what to say."

They go back to Callum's once they both get tired and luckily, Stuart is nowhere to be seen. Callum doesn't think he's ever been so thankful for his brothers somewhat of a daytime drinking habit.

Callum takes off Ben's coat before he even thinks about his own, and hangs it up so it doesn't get mucky or falls on the floor from chucking it over the back of the chair. Ben halfheartedly tugs his shoes off, hardly bothering to untie them. All he wants is Callum's bed, so soft, so warm, the smell of _his boyfriend_ just everywhere. He knows now that he's lucky, he's so lucky. He's struck gold with Callum, and this time, he isn't going to ever let him down. Not again.

Callum gives Ben full rein of his chest of drawers because if he's learnt anything during the time they've spent together, it's that Ben lives to steal all of Callum's comfy clothes. He crawls under the vast duvet in one of Callum's t-shirts, and he feels suddenly like he belongs. He can't hear Callum humming to himself as he makes two cups of tea in the kitchen, but he knows its happening. Ben sits up against the headrest, and bundles the duvet up in his hands, breathes in, and out, and tells himself that everything is okay. They will be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> if any of you have any prompts/requests pls don't be afraid to comment them below or hmu on tumblr @biggayhighway


End file.
